Struggles…

I’ve really been struggling lately… oh, who am I kidding, I’ve been struggling for quite some time now.  I’m struggling with the “church”.  The idea, the institution, whatever you want to call it.

In the midst of all these struggles, the church where my membership currently resides, asked recently if I wanted to be “removed from the rolls.”

I was shocked, hurt, and yeah, I was angry too.  I’m not sure I’m ready to completely leave the church yet but that sure did feel like a push out the door! 

I guess you could say that I’m in a deconstruction phase… The thing is I’ve known and thought the things I’ve been feeling and thinking about the church for a long time but current events have really pushed them forward into the harsh light of day and I can’t seem to ignore it anymore… and I’ve been choosing to ignore it for a long time… 

I don’t really know the point of this post except to just get this out of my head for a bit so I can breathe for a moment. 

Today is the beginning of Holy Week and I just don’t know where I stand.  Usually, I’d be rushing to church to wave my palm branch and sing Hosanna!  I’d be preparing for Maundy Thursday and Good Friday and then Easter Sunday.   I actually do plan on going to church Thursday and Easter Sunday but this year, it just feels weird.  I’m not sure where my heart is…?

Every time I’ve gone to worship the last few months (which hasn’t been often) I feel tears rush forward, I feel a deep sadness.  At first I thought it was because maybe I missed being “here” but the last time… the thoughts that came with the push of tears were “I don’t think I belong here anymore.”  

What the heck?!?!?!  That kind of freaked me out and I felt such a sense of loss and sadness…

Yesterday, I had a wonderful day, I decluttered, I walked, I read, I just had a wonderful day.  Today, though, I woke up feeling off.  Just kind of blah… I thought about going to church but I got up too late and DH had to go to work so … I could have gone to a later service but… Maybe I’ll watch online. 

I’m kind of wondering if the blahs are because it’s Sunday… but it could just be because it’s cloudy… Who knows.  I think I’ll just throw these thoughts out into the cyber world and leave them there and just sit back and enjoy my tea before I go for a nice long walk.  Sometimes after sitting quietly listening to the birds sing and the trees rustle in the wind, I feel as though I’ve been to worship. So, I’m grabbing a blanket (it’s cool outside), my cuppa and heading out to my sanctuary to witness creation.