Inside my head…

The other morning as I was washing my face and preparing for my day, I started thinking about how I wish I had appreciated my thinner days.

Somehow I was convinced that I was FAT.  That I was HUGE. I wasn’t.  I was perfect for me and missed being in that moment and loving me as I was.  

Now, I still struggle with the same feelings but this time, I am larger, not perfect for me or my body type.  Now, is the more appropriate time to be bothered but ironically, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I wouldn’t be in the “place” or “situation” if I hadn’t been that other “place.”  If I had appreciated my body back then… 

There was always someone encouraging my weight loss journey, encouraging my dieting, telling me I could be smaller, thinner.  

I remember in the 4th and 5th grade thinking I needed to lose weight.  I remember trying to learn to run so I could be skinner.  In the 4th and 5th grade! 

I remember just before my 6th grade year learning to do aerobics and jazzercise with my aunt, so I could “slim down.” 

You know, what I really needed was someone encouraging me to believe that I was beautiful just as I was.  That I wasn’t FAT at all, that I was perfect for me.  That’s what I needed.

Now, I still have those people in life who  are always encouraging me to lose weight, to diet and so on but NOW I do have a few people in my life who try to remind me that I am beautiful but I’ll tell you, they have their work cut out for them, because I just don’t see it.  When I look in the mirror, I see the extra weight, the new age spots and wrinkles, the thinning hair.

I look back at old photos from high school and college, when, you know, I was soooo fat,  and wish I could have that body again.  Wish that I had loved that body, that face, that hair, that version of me, more fully.

I hate when I hear myself thinking the same things others said to me thinking they were helping and encouraging me about others now.  (Where do the commas go in that sentence?  I put them several places but none seemed right…)

I wish I could see with less critical eyes and instead with more loving eyes.  I’m going to work on that, and not just for those around me but with myself.   

I want to stop comparing myself to others and others to others.  I want to see myself just as I am. I want to see others as who they are.  Not compared to anyone else, because as Sinead O’Conner sang, “Nothing Compares to You” or me or anyone else.  We are who we are.  There is no room for comparison in this. 

My wish is that when I , when we, look in the mirror, I see me, just me as I truly am, A beautiful 53 year old woman, who loaned my body to give birth to two beautiful children, who was strong enough to hold our family together when we were so far apart, who was strong enough to be a single mother more often than a married woman should. A military wife, who uprooted more than she ever wanted to follow the man she loved in serving our country, who was able to make ends meet even when there wasn’t enough at the end. I want to see the beautiful, strong, loving woman who stands before me. I want to remove the veil and see me.

Now to figure out how to do that…

Until next time… ♥️