Musicals – great driving/thinking music

20190427_195237When I’m driving alone on trips, I often listen to musicals.  Yesterday was no different.  They give me so much to think about.  Sometimes I think about my life in connection to the words.  Sometimes it’s my youth and others my adult years.  Sometimes I think about my kids and their lives.   Today, I thought about my empty nest.

A song from Dear Evan Hansen came on called So Big/ So Small.  The chorus goes like this…

And the house felt so big, and I felt so small
The house felt so big, and I felt so small
Memories flooded back to me of deployments and being there alone to care for the kids and house.  Sometimes… it really did feel so big and I never seemed big enough or adequate…
Then the next verse/chorus went like this.
And the house felt so big, and I felt so small
The house felt so big, and I
And I knew there would be moments that I’d miss
And I knew there would be space I couldn’t fill
And I knew I’d come up short a billion different ways
And I did
And I do
And I will
And this is where my empty nest came in… the moments I miss now that they are grown and living so far from home.  I try to make the big moments, when I know about them in time, but sometimes I just can’t make it happen…  The space… in my heart, in the house… left a little bit empty now that they are busy with their own amazing lives!  I’m so happy for them but it is an adjustment for me.  I made them the focus of my whole world for so long. I’m getting used to it but you know, even with them gone and living their own lives, I still sometimes come up short… not getting out to visit as much as I should (though I’m doing better at this now), not calling because I’m afraid to bother them but probably should more often so they know I miss them and am thinking about them.
I guess even in this empty nest business we can still mess up… come up short, feel inadequate.  The house feels even bigger now when they are all gone (DH too sometimes) and I feel so very small sometimes, like I’m invisible almost.  I’m getting used to it.  I’m finding ways to fill the spaces in my time.  I’m adjusting.  I’m learning.  I’m even growing.
This empty nest does feel big and empty but before long, there will be grandchildren visiting filling the spaces and making me feel big again.  Oh, I’m sure there will still be lots of times where I come up short, where I will screw things up, but I’ll love my way through it!  Just like I always have.  Until then… I’ll keep making visits and phone calls and I’ll keep loving from afar.
Musicals… they bring the strangest feelings, the strangest thoughts to me.  Do you enjoy musicals?  Do they make you think like this?

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