My journey into Lent

I haven’t made it any secret that I’ve been struggling with my faith over the last few years and it’s just as true today as it was when I shared it the first time. 

Though today, I’m thinking it’s more of a struggle with the church than my faith but that too is confusing.

The loud voices in the media, on social media, and around me are so often screaming faith in Christ and yet acting more like those who were afraid of him, those who hated him, those who wanted rid of him. They act as though they are better than everyone else. 

Honestly, it’s frightening to watch.

It’s hard to watch and to realize that somehow the church has failed them.  We, as the church, failed to teach them who Jesus is, how he lived, and how he loved and how we, as his followers, are supposed to live and love just like him.  We have failed.

I just now realized that perhaps this is why I feel so sad so often… as a member of this church it means that I failed, it’s not just the church that has failed because the church is made up of us! People just like me wanting to serve the Lord, to share love and yet, somehow the message changed and left some of us behind… left me behind.

Don’t get me wrong, I want no part of this kind of church or faith, I’ll stay where I am, where I’ve always been but it leaves me in confusion, in desolation wondering how this happened.  It leaves me looking around  and wondering… where do I go from here?  Where do I belong? What am I to do?  How am I to continue on in serving? In sharing my faith when I feel so confused anymore?

This is where I live.  A state a limbo, of confusion. And it’s hard.

The “church” has been my life for, well, my whole life. I was PK, a preacher’s kid, and church was my home.  When we got married, it took some time to find our way to our church with each move but we always did and we served faithfully… teaching Sunday school, participating and leading Bible studies, working with the children and youth, serving on committees and giving faithfully.

But now, that so much of the church seems to have left us behind, we can’t quite figure out where to go and what to do.  We still serve by helping our neighbor and giving to worthy organizations but I haven’t found a way to share some of the gifts I was given just so I could serve.  

I have no idea where the post is going… I guess it’s just my thoughts floating out into the universe, releasing them so that I can move forward and continue.  

It’s the day after Ash Wednesday.  This is first one I’ve missed going to worship in a long time but we just couldn’t make it this year.  I did spend a little time in meditation about it, remembering in my own way but it definitely felt different.  

I guess this post is the beginning of my journey through Lent.  We will see where it goes.  I don’t think I’m going to give up anything, I don’t think that’s what I need this time.  I think my journey will be mine, a walk with just me and God, quietly walking together, just being in our presence and we will see where we end up.

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