For years, I’ve wanted to write a book. I used to dream of writing romance novels. Then, I thought I’d write a children’s book! I wrote a few for my kids, self-published them eventually but I didn’t do much more with them.
Then, I’ve written blogs off and on for years. They started just before my husband’s second deployment as a bit of therapy and I just continued. I’ve talked about everything, from deployments, cooking, parenting, homeschooling, gardening, my faith, loss, bible studies, devotionals, sermons, reiki reflections… I just write whatever comes to my mind.
A couple of months ago, that book writing bug bit me again and I kept trying to think of something to write about… Not sure I’d be good at fiction, so what else do I know?
Somehow the idea of “Saying Goodbye” came to mind. I think it’s because I told DH that I’ve been saying goodbye my whole life! From telling my grandmother goodbye after her visits, to moving as a United Methodist Pastor’s kid, to telling my sister bye when she left for college, and then when she got married and later passed away, to saying bye to family when I married into the military, and then all the friends and family I’ve said goodbye to since. Even to my husband for trips and deployments and my kids moving out and away. Goodbyes have been a constant part of my life. You’d think I’d be good at them by now, but I’m really not.
I hate saying goodbye. Any kind of goodbye… And there are all kinds of goodbyes.
There’s the “see you later” after a visit, the final goodbye of a death, a goodbye to different seasons in our lives. Whether it’s goodbye to childhood, or the teen eyes, or when you finally realize that you aren’t a young adult anymore and have to say hello to middle age!
But those relationship goodbyes… they get me the hardest… When a friendship ends, or a love ends. Those are hard. I’ve had to say those goodbyes where you remember the old saying, “If you love something set it free, If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
Those are the hardest ones. Because the love is real but sometimes, love ends. Maybe it shouldn’t but sometimes it does. And that’s in both romantic relationships and friendships alike.
I’ve let go a love more than once and had it come back, but I’ve also let go of friendships, hoping they would come back, and they never did. But that’s life isn’t it? Sometimes people come into our lives for a season, a season we needed them or they needed us, and then that season comes to a close. Maybe the timing was just off. No matter what it is or isn’t it doesn’t make the relationship mean any less. It could be that it was just a relationship for a short time. Maybe it was good, or meaningful, or maybe it wasn’t, but either way, it wasn’t meant for forever.
Letting go is hard. For me it is always hard. I give my heart so freely, and so wholly, letting go hurts. I worry, what if it doesn’t come back?
But should that really be the question? Maybe it should be instead, was it good? Did it make a difference for me? Did I make a difference for them? Did it change me? Did it change them?
I don’t know, Goodbyes are just hard, especially ones we never wanted, but goodbyes happen none the less and life goes on. We have to let go and move on. Continuing to live and be who we are meant to be, doing what we are meant to do, even if it means doing it without someone we thought, hoped would be there with us. We keep looking forward. Keeping our eyes on the horizon. Keeping our hearts open, ready to receive and we won’t be alone for long. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to make room for something or someone even better.
Anyway, all this to say, I’m thinking of writing a book… should I? It would be more of a collection of stories of goodbyes. I mean I have a lot them… and some are quite heartbreaking and some are funny, and some are a combination of both. I don’t know, but I bet just the act of writing it all out could be quite healing for me, whether anyone else reads it or not.
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