Care Givers at heart…

Anyone out there a care giver personality? I meaning a care giver at heart not someone forced to be because of circumstances (you are so important so special but for this post I’m talking about something different) someone who gives care without even thinking and not because you have to because you’re a wife or mom.

This is me. It’s what makes me a good pastor to my congregation. I act on caring when I feel it’s needed, even at a distance. I’m not special, there are lots of us out in the world and y’all are who I’m talking to today.

Care giving can be exhausting. It’s wonderful and it’s something I love about myself but it can be exhausting. Sometimes even I want to be cared for but it’s hard to ask for and since we often do it without anyone asking, sometimes we dream of the same being done for us.

This morning, I had a total meltdown. Full on tears, a little yelling… I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t control it at all. I was a complete mess.

DH is not a care giver. He has many wonderful traits but this isn’t one of them… at least where I am concerned.

I will say at first he tried but eventually he couldn’t take it and he got mad at me and left the room.

In my mom and wife fashion I started cleaning up the mess from the night before… maybe that’s a clue it started last night… maybe.

Anyway, skipping ahead DH left for an appointment and said, “want me to pick up lunch?” To which I replied, “I don’t care, whatever you want.”

While he was gone I went and grabbed a blanket, turned on some soothing music and laid down, eventually falling asleep until he came in, got as close as he could without putting his arm over or around me and laid down. Basically laying on top of my side… from this point on, I lay there sighing and breathing deeply.

Eventually he asks if I’m hungry to which I reply I don’t know which is totally true. That’s where I am, that’s how I’m feeling. Lost, unsure, miserable.

Finally, (caregiver breaking through) I ask if he’d like me to make him something. “Don’t bother yourself. I’ll figure something out.” Now in his defense, he thinks this is taking of me – taking care of himself so I don’t have to… and he goes downstairs and fixes a bowl of cereal… for himself.

Now is it just me? Does anyone else see what I saw? Does anyone else feel what I felt?

Completely deflated and hurt.

Sometimes… the care giver needs to be given care, needs to be take care of without having to ask for it or explain what is needed.

Is it just me? Is too much to ask? Obviously, it is and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to ask, it’s hard when you are always the caregiver… sometimes we just want to be cared for the way we care for others.

That’s where I am today. In need of loving care without having to ask for it, without having to check on someone else first so that reciprocate but didn’t ask on their own. That’s where I am… hiding out in the bathtub with bubbles, tummy growling, fighting back the tears and a headache… sending these words into the great abyss of the World Wide Web… expecting nothing… just sending it out away from me, letting it go…