I’m up early this morning. It’s been a while since I’ve been up this early. I’ve been sleeping pretty well, but this morning I ache so here I am. Perhaps it’s the beautiful blanket of snow I see outside our window. It’s still coming down.
Back when I was pastoring the two little churches, I was often up early, maybe reading or writing a devotion, maybe studying and prepping for a sermon, maybe praying for guidance or healing or peace. I haven’t done that in a while. I’ve felt a little lost, more than a little angry, and honestly confused.
My mornings have been quite different lately. 1. They aren’t as early usually and 2. I watch the news more
I just haven’t been able to find my way, but yesterday I was looking for a document on my computer and I ran across a sermon I’d written in 2021 and I read it. And… it cracked open something inside me.
I continued to look for the document and found a devotion I’d written and again I felt something inside me crack. It was kind of like a remembering of sorts. I just kept opening things I’d written, devotions, blogposts, sermons and … well, I can’t really explain it… there was a release of sorts, an opening – a small crack… Opening to what? I don’t know.
Way back in 2012ish I felt this sense that I needed to do something. That I was supposed to do something more and I started down that path of Lay Servant, then Lay Speaking, then Certified Lay Minister… all because I thought I was supposed to do more… I didn’t know then what that more was so I just kept going thinking surely this would fill that something… Serving the church would fill that pull or call to do more and I think it helped but that feeling never really went away.
When it was time for me to step back from serving those two congregations, I just kind of pushed that desire, that pull, aside and focused more on my family and my home, but hat feeling of doing more has been sneaking up on me again but I still don’t know what the more is and I have no idea how to figure that out… I mean I’ve been trying to figure that out since… well, honestly, since forever or at least since college, and that’s been a bit.
I bet we all have this feeling from time to time, don’t we? I’m really asking… do you have that feeling you are meant to do more? I don’t even know what that means! It’s just a feeling I have and have always had and I don’t know what to do with it.
As much as I loved being a pastor, I don’t think it truly filled that more slot in my life. It filled my life! But it also took away precious time with my family… Even as I was doing it, I still felt that pull to do more, but what the HECK is that?!?
I took a quiz the other day and it said my soul gift was messenger… I’m a messenger… well, then, what is my message? What message am I meant to share? Why does God, Spirit, the Universe have to be so darn vague? I would really appreciate some specifics please… I’m getting a little older and time’s a wasting! I need to get this show on the road! I’m ready to do whatever “IT” is, I just need to figure out what it is. NO!! I don’t need to figure it out, I’m tried of trying to figure it out. It’s time for God, Spirit, the Universe to be more specific and show me, tell me what is wanted from me so I can get with it. I’m tried of the guessing game. So…
God, Spirit, whatever you call yourself, I’m here and I’m listening, lead me, speak to me or stop pulling at me. I’m ready for my billboard, my burning bush… or maybe not…maybe I’ll just forget about it and go plan a visit to see my grand baby.
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